Monday, April 13, 2009

emotional turmoil....

it's that time of year again. insignificant for most. spring. a time to rejoice. new beginnings. gardens and butterflies. birds and sunny days.

for me, for us this time of year churns up the old grief. is there such a thing? old grief? no, i think it's new grief. new grief being churned up by yet another year of what we don't have.

took blake to see the hannah montanna movie. it was an emotional movie in and of itself, but mike had a very difficult time watching the relationship between daddy and daughter on the screen. her first date. her first kiss. seeking her daddy for comfort after fighting with her best friend. new grief. new reminders of what we'll never have.

it's funny in an ironic way... i am unable at this point in time to give any support to fellow bereaved parents other than my husband. i am not having any problems giving support to a friend who is struggling with quitting her alcohol addiction. i have no issue giving support to a friend who just found out she won't have a job after June. i have no issue supporting tammy as she misses sadie. but i can not support the people whose grief i understand the most. i just don't have it in me right now.

i'm finding it to be a real struggle to get up and moving in the morning. i go to bed early and yet am unable to arise well rested. i have nightmares. i dream of having my daughter here, only to wake up to reality.

i can't help but think that she would be in her first year of preschool now. would she have enjoyed easter? i was in walmart the other day and walked past the little easter dresses and bonnets and sweaters and i just started to cry. all alone. in walmart. i'll never get to buy one of those frilly little dresses and patent leather shoes for lilly. i have to admit the thought that she'd probably be a little tomboy and hate dresses made me smile.

i'm not drowning in a sea of grief. i don't expect the world to stop and grieve with me. i don't expect people who have little girls to keep them away from me. or not talk about them. or not show me pictures of them.

it's just hard. the waters are choppy. the storm is coming. grief is washing over me again.

i find peace in knowing she is with her bumpa.

3 comments:

Ter said...

I understand. going through a rough time myself.
well, when you are wanting to chat, I'm always here, even if we just chat about something else to distract us. make each other laugh with silly pics found online or drool over etsy items. whatever we must do to get through each day. And put up with each other because goodness knows we're going to have a few mood swings during this roller coaster ride. :) I'm certainly guilty of that!

Paula said...

I don't have any words of advice, just want to let you know I'm praying for you, and to offer hugs.

Shelley said...

I'm thinking of you. I'm praying for you and Mike and Bee. I'm thanking you and God for you supporting me in my time of need when your grief is so overwhelming at this time of year. I love you!