My angel

Some people have forgotten you.
I never will.
Not a day goes by that I don't think of you.
I wonder what you would look like, what you would sound like, how you would smell
I wonder who you would look like, if you and your big brother would get along, would you like water as much as he does?
Would you like fruits and veggies? Or peanut butter? (Your daddy LOVES it, you know?)
I wonder if people have stopped talking about you because they have forgotten you, or if they think it will hurt me too much to be "reminded" of you? As if I need to be reminded. As if I could EVER forget how my heart is missing a piece. How my arms ache to hold you. How my brain reels when I see a little girl who looks to be about the age you should be... wondering...

You would be getting ready for Kindergarten. Just as your big brother is leaving that school, to go to his new school... you would be entering it. I know which teacher I would request for you. I know how our morning routine would go. I long to read you bedtime stories and tuck you in and kiss your forehead, wishing you sweet dreams.

I think some people think I have forgotten you. That I have "moved on". Oh how I hate that term!

Those people... they are outsiders. They don't understand. Your Aunt Tricia has said that we belong to an exclusive club, and people who don't belong to this club can never understand the pain we feel. Can never understand the emptiness we feel. Can just never understand.

Ironic how I can miss someone I never got to meet.

I miss you Lilly Angel. I love you... always and forever.

~ Mommy ♥

Staring at a blank page

Wishing I could fill it with 3 years and 5 months of memories.

Wishing I had a cute story to tell.

Thankful that I have my family.

Wishing they were closer.

Thankful for my friends... most of whom I consider to be family.

Thankful for the people who speak her name today.

Thankful for the people who think about me today. I can feel the mental hugs.

Will be even more thankful when the day is over.

emotional turmoil....

it's that time of year again. insignificant for most. spring. a time to rejoice. new beginnings. gardens and butterflies. birds and sunny days.

for me, for us this time of year churns up the old grief. is there such a thing? old grief? no, i think it's new grief. new grief being churned up by yet another year of what we don't have.

took blake to see the hannah montanna movie. it was an emotional movie in and of itself, but mike had a very difficult time watching the relationship between daddy and daughter on the screen. her first date. her first kiss. seeking her daddy for comfort after fighting with her best friend. new grief. new reminders of what we'll never have.

it's funny in an ironic way... i am unable at this point in time to give any support to fellow bereaved parents other than my husband. i am not having any problems giving support to a friend who is struggling with quitting her alcohol addiction. i have no issue giving support to a friend who just found out she won't have a job after June. i have no issue supporting tammy as she misses sadie. but i can not support the people whose grief i understand the most. i just don't have it in me right now.

i'm finding it to be a real struggle to get up and moving in the morning. i go to bed early and yet am unable to arise well rested. i have nightmares. i dream of having my daughter here, only to wake up to reality.

i can't help but think that she would be in her first year of preschool now. would she have enjoyed easter? i was in walmart the other day and walked past the little easter dresses and bonnets and sweaters and i just started to cry. all alone. in walmart. i'll never get to buy one of those frilly little dresses and patent leather shoes for lilly. i have to admit the thought that she'd probably be a little tomboy and hate dresses made me smile.

i'm not drowning in a sea of grief. i don't expect the world to stop and grieve with me. i don't expect people who have little girls to keep them away from me. or not talk about them. or not show me pictures of them.

it's just hard. the waters are choppy. the storm is coming. grief is washing over me again.

i find peace in knowing she is with her bumpa.

Tough times

Kind of out of touch lately.

Having a rough time.

Always happens this time of year.

*sigh*

Missing Pop.

Missing Lilly.

Remembering Pop.

Wishing I had memories of Lilly.

That time of year again.

*sigh*

Here we are again. Another year gone by since Pop died. Soon to be followed by another year gone by since Lilly died.

I find myself having "mental hiccups" for lack of a better term. I can't seem to keep a thought in my head long enough to finish it. I went grocery shopping today and totally could not find the macaroni and cheese. And I mean I HUNTED for it... then forgot completely about it. Until I got to the next store.. and then I remembered it. But couldn't find it there either.

What the heck? I have a boy who LOVES mac n cheese... I buy it by the truckload... how in the world could I not find it? And not just in one store.. but in TWO!!??!!

As I was typing that line above, I had a thought of what I wanted to say next... and now here I am in the place where I am supposed to type that... and I can't remember what it was. Now, for those of you who don't know...I am NOT a hunt and peck typer. So it did not take long for me to type that sentence.

And I STILL can't remember what it was.

Blake was picking at his rear last night and I said, "Are you going to the movies?" and he said, "What?!" I said, "Well, you're picking your seat so I thought you were going to the movies." Mike laughed and said, "You SO got that from your dad!"

My dad was full of funnies like that. When my friends would call the house, he would sometimes answer the phone "Lum 'n Abners". And they'd stammer, "I have the wrong number" and he'd say, "You have the right number. Who do you want?"

Or, they would ask for me, "Is Jolene there?" and Pop would say, "No." And they would ask him to take a message and he'd say, "Well don't you just want to talk to her?" The poor victim would reply, "Uh, I thought you said she wasn't there?" Pop would say, "She's not HERE... she's upstairs. Do you want me to get her?"

He always told me he loved me. He taught me how to check my oil and change a flat tire... but whenever I got a flat tire, he'd come running to fix it for me. If you totalled the car he didn't give a rip as long as you were OK.

Once when my friend Theresa and I went in the ditch on our way home from shopping, my boyfriend at the time came (I called him because we were close to his house) and he looked at my dad's car in the ditch and said, "Oh man! You're dad's gonna kill you!" I knew Pop wouldn't care. The car wasn't hurt... but even if it was... the first thing he would say is, "Are you all OK?" (we had Theresa's baby with us too). And when he got there, with Mom and the dog... that is the first thing he asked. Then he said, "Ok, let's go call a tow truck." End of story.

To explain the dog... I had a dog named Coalie Bae (after a horse I'd read about in a story... LOL... I LOVED horses!). Whenever I would need help (which seemed to be a LOT... and which always seemed to involve Theresa) Pop would come... with Mom and Coalie Bae riding shotgun! Theresa and I laugh about it to this day.

I could go on. He was a great father. He would do anything for anyone. He always wanted everyone to be happy. He had a great sense of humor. My friend, Tricia, and I made him little tiny jumper cables out of wires and clips... because he had told us that he couldn't "get it up" if he wanted to... so we made him those as a joke. He had them til the day he died. He wore the star trek belt buckle that my niece bought him at her school santa shop one year. He worked hard at a GM shop all day... and came home to work hard there too. He bought me a used camaro... then a new skyhawk... then he wanted to buy me a truck when I came to college. I told him he didn't need to buy me a truck. We argued. He said, "I'm buying you the damn truck! What color do you want?"

I got a red one.

He thought Blake was a hoot... and I'm sure he cracks up from Heaven watching this boy's antics.

He loved my mom more than life itself.

He loved me almost as much :)

I miss him every day. He was my pillar. He made me believe in myself. He encouraged me to take risks. He showed me how to find joy in the simple things in life.

I wish I had so many memories to share about Lilly.

I am so glad she is with her Bumpa.

Miss you Pop. Love you. Happy Angelversary. *sniff*