Saturday, October 6, 2007

Sad days...

UGH! This is the time of year I hate. I dread it's approach for months.

Here's the sucky timeline:

October 17 -- my dad's bday. He would be 90 this year.

November 15 -- Lilly's EDD (estimated due date). She would have been 2 this year.

Christmas gets increasingly difficult because of Lilly and Pop.

Then I get a slight reprieve and then February comes along. My dad died on Superbowl Sunday in 2005. God Bless him he wanted a good seat for the game :)

Then April 29th. *sigh* The day we found out we were having and losing Lilly.

And to go along with the shit... I have a list of "things that I hate"

I hate it when:
- people tell me it will get better. No, it won't. No matter how much time passes I won't EVER have my baby girl back. I won't ever have my Daddy back. It will NOT get better. It might get easier, I kinda doubt it, but it won't EVER get BETTER.

- people tell me that Lilly wasn't real. "Oh, you were *only* 12 weeks?" Yeah. I had 12 weeks with my baby girl. The sucky, unfair, unjust, pissy, horrible, terrible truth of it is that I didn't KNOW. I didn't KNOW I had her for 12 weeks. I only knew her for a few short hours. I never even got to see her heart beating on an ultrasound. I never got to see her tiny hands and feet. I never got to tell anyone about her, until she was gone. If she wasn't real, then why did it hurt so damn much to lose her? Why does it STILL hurt so damn much?

- people who have lost babies act like it's no big deal. Maybe THEY weren't as affected by it as *I* am.... but that doesn't mean my feelings aren't valid.

- people avoid talking to me about Lilly.

- people act like Lilly never exsited.

*sigh* *tears*


1 comment:

Stacey said...


October 21st is the day I lost my baby.