Friday, January 25, 2008

So, what do YOU think?

I'll try to keep this brief... but you know how that goes sometimes :)

Ok... so my dad died on 6 Feb 2005. My daughter died on 29 April 2005. If you don't already know, I found out that I was pg and that I was going to lose the baby in the same moment.

The anniversary of my dad's death is coming up in less than 2 weeks. Which means, Lilly's angelversary will be soon to follow.

I have a chat buddy who I have chatted with since I was pg for Blake (who is now 8). I was chatting with her the other night and told her that this time of year is rough for me, and that I tend to cry a lot. I also think a lot about Pop and Lilly. I miss them. I miss what my life was like before I lost them. And especially Lilly.. because you expect to lose your parents, you don't expect to lose your child.

So, after telling this chat buddy all of this... she starts in telling me that I need to "get over it" and "move on" and that she thinks I am depressed and I need counseling. She said I should do something in memory of Lilly that will help others. I told her I don't want to share what little I have of Lilly with the world... I want her all to myself. Apparently that is a "selfish" and "unhealthy" attitude to have.

She said that my grief is not healthy. That I shouldn't be crying so much. That I should celebrate the time I had with Lilly, and that I should celebrate having Blake.
She said I should take Lilly's love and give it to Blake.

Ok.. so I DO cherish Blake and I love him with all of my heart and soul. But there is NO WAY I can give him the love that is there for Lilly. Just like if she had lived... I couldn't just not love her.

I am not drinking myself into oblivion.... I am not doing drugs.... I am not laying in bed all day, every day crying my eyes out.

I told her that I feel I have "moved on" with my life... I get out of bed every day. I go to work. I raise my son. I continued taking classes to get my Master's degree (which I got in July 06).

She said I am not the same person I used to be.

Gee. Ya think?

I told her I will never be that person again. I have a new normal. My life will NEVER be the same again. And I am grieving. And I am hurting. And what I need is a friend to listen to me and to let me cry.... I don't need counseling, or a group, or to "get over it". I need to grieve.

So... what do YOU think? Am I wrong to be hurt by her comments? Do I need counseling? (you should know that I have an incredible support system). How do I celebrate the time I had with Lilly, when the entire time I knew about her (a whopping 4 hours)was spent crying my eyes out waiting for the surgeon to come and take her from me?

Tomorrow will be a more upbeat post I hope.. we are going to a "Good Sense" money management course at our church :)


Ter said...

You already know what I think, as we talked about this the other day, and that we have been through similar experiences with "others" and their inaccurate beliefs about grief.


Tonia said...

Grief changes you. You can't go back. You shouldn't go back. Life is about changing anyway. Anyone who tries to tell you otherwise is delusional.

It sounds to me like you're doing just fine. Grief comes in cycles and each stage of your life brings it around again in a new way.

I'm already thinking about next fall when I send Abby off to Kindergarten, but her little buddy Casey who should have been going, but instead was born straight to Jesus, won't be going. It's not even my baby and I grieve over him.

Living with pain is hard, living near pain is also hard. Unless you love the person a lot, it's usually too much. That's why people want you to "get over it," and "move on." They actually just don't have what it takes. Sorry to dog your friend that I haven't even met; I just call 'em like I see 'em.


Stacey said...

Tonia was spot on when she said that life is about changing. Whether it's something innocuous like growing a year older or something profound like losing a child, we all change in some way or another due to one event or another. When something especially profound happens, we are changed because our reality shifts. It's very similar to losing anyone else - eventually, the fact that your loved one is gone is a part of your reality. It doesn't mean that person never existed.

You are not wallowing in grief... I think you know that *I* would at least tell you if you were. I believe, honest to goodness, that you have a healthy memory of Lilly and you're trying to keep that memory active when everyone is trying to suppress her memory as a manifestation of their discomfort.

Also, one HUGE difference is that you are not *bitter.* You grieve, yes, but you are not angry at the world for Lilly's loss - you've accepted it and you HAVE moved on and you're living your life. Your life just happens to now include the fact that you have an angel baby.

Remembering a lost pregnancy is basically taboo - we're not supposed to do it. Out of sight, out of mind. Your friend, while she probably means well, is just going along with that societal standard.

Don't worry about her standards for grief. She simply doesn't understand that particular paradigm shift, and God willing, she never will. You just keep on keepin' on, and keep Lilly's memory alive in your heart and in the hearts of others.

Blake and Lilly's Momma said...

See? I just KNEW you guys would rally around me with the support that I need. Thank you so much for your candid thoughts and words.

T, I love how you said, "... living near pain is also hard." I know that it is hard for "outsiders" to see me cry, to know that I am in pain. But they have to realize that it's hard for me too. Thank you for reminding me that not everyone "gets" it.

Stacey... I DO know that you would be the first to slap my face and tell me to wake up and smell the fryer if you thought I wasn't being healthy. I truly appreciate that in our friendship!

Ter... we DID talk and you certainly did help me to feel MUCH better in the midst of it all. I appreciate that you have been so supportive.

Thank you all again!

Love and God Bless....

Stacey said...

heehee - wake up and smell the fryer. Atta girl!