I'll try to keep this brief... but you know how that goes sometimes :)
Ok... so my dad died on 6 Feb 2005. My daughter died on 29 April 2005. If you don't already know, I found out that I was pg and that I was going to lose the baby in the same moment.
The anniversary of my dad's death is coming up in less than 2 weeks. Which means, Lilly's angelversary will be soon to follow.
I have a chat buddy who I have chatted with since I was pg for Blake (who is now 8). I was chatting with her the other night and told her that this time of year is rough for me, and that I tend to cry a lot. I also think a lot about Pop and Lilly. I miss them. I miss what my life was like before I lost them. And especially Lilly.. because you expect to lose your parents, you don't expect to lose your child.
So, after telling this chat buddy all of this... she starts in telling me that I need to "get over it" and "move on" and that she thinks I am depressed and I need counseling. She said I should do something in memory of Lilly that will help others. I told her I don't want to share what little I have of Lilly with the world... I want her all to myself. Apparently that is a "selfish" and "unhealthy" attitude to have.
She said that my grief is not healthy. That I shouldn't be crying so much. That I should celebrate the time I had with Lilly, and that I should celebrate having Blake.
She said I should take Lilly's love and give it to Blake.
Ok.. so I DO cherish Blake and I love him with all of my heart and soul. But there is NO WAY I can give him the love that is there for Lilly. Just like if she had lived... I couldn't just not love her.
I am not drinking myself into oblivion.... I am not doing drugs.... I am not laying in bed all day, every day crying my eyes out.
I told her that I feel I have "moved on" with my life... I get out of bed every day. I go to work. I raise my son. I continued taking classes to get my Master's degree (which I got in July 06).
She said I am not the same person I used to be.
Gee. Ya think?
I told her I will never be that person again. I have a new normal. My life will NEVER be the same again. And I am grieving. And I am hurting. And what I need is a friend to listen to me and to let me cry.... I don't need counseling, or a group, or to "get over it". I need to grieve.
So... what do YOU think? Am I wrong to be hurt by her comments? Do I need counseling? (you should know that I have an incredible support system). How do I celebrate the time I had with Lilly, when the entire time I knew about her (a whopping 4 hours)was spent crying my eyes out waiting for the surgeon to come and take her from me?
Tomorrow will be a more upbeat post I hope.. we are going to a "Good Sense" money management course at our church :)