Thursday, November 8, 2007

What I'll never know...

I'll never know ...

what color hair my daughter would have.
if she'd be tall like her brother.
what her favorite stufftie would have been.
the sound of her voice.
how it would feel to snuggle her against my chest.
the smell of her hair.
the whisper of her breath on my cheek.
what the theme of her birthdays would be.
her favorite color.
the sound of her laughter.
if she'd need speech like her brother did.
if she'd be a "Daddy's Girl" like her Mommy was.
if she would have been a good baby, or a fussy one.
if she would sleep well.
if she'd love the water.
if she'd like her nails painted.
if she'd like to go for walks and bike rides and camping.
the look on her face when she got her first date
... or her first kiss
... or her first anything.
the joy of helping her move to college.
the joy of helping her plan her wedding.

As Lilly's second "birthday" approaches it is hitting me even harder how much I am missing as her Mommy. I see toddlers running around and I miss her. I miss that I won't ever see her toddle around.... I won't ever see her cute little face light up with a smile ... I won't ever hold her hand while we walk... I won't ever strap her into her carseat... I won't ever watch her sleep.

I miss the sweet little girl that I never got to meet.


Ter said...

I hear ya. It's been hitting me pretty hard lately too. :( :( :(

I'm so sad for us. :(

Blake and Lilly's Momma said...

Thanks Ter. I am sad for us too. People say it'll get easier as time goes on.. but I believe it's just going to get more and more difficult. As what should be milestones approach, it is just going to keep hitting us again and again... she'd be doing this or that. She'd be this old. She'd be here or there..... it just SUCKS!

** HUGS ** ** HUGS ** ** HUGS ** I know it doesn't make it better... but we can cry together.

Sharon said...

Oh I am so sorry. :( I just got chills reading your beautiful post.

You know, just last night I had a dream about the baby we lost. I haven't dreamed of her in so long. I was so emotional this morning because of it. We lost her March 8, 2006, yet I am still feeling that pain and loss.

How can it ever get easier to lose and miss your own child?