Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Another sad Mommy moment...

A little while ago, I think I posted about Blake sobbing when I put him to bed because he is going to miss me when I die. Oh how do you NOT burst into tears when your child says something like this?

Well, Sunday we went to church with my mom. There was a man there who is part of a musical group and he was playing the piano and singing songs. He stopped and told the story of his mom dying 2 years ago (a very sad story indeed). Well, after he told the story he started to sing another song and I realized that Blake was sitting there next to me, clutching my arm and sobbing. I just hugged him. My sister was on the other side of him and she looked at me like "what the heck is that all about?" (for the record I explained later when B wasn't around).

Afterwards, he told me that he was crying because of Lilly... but I know it was because he is so concerned about me dying. I don't know where this fear came from. I am not sick. I have not been sick. As far as I know, I'm not going to GET sick.

It's not like he obsesses over it... I mean twice in the past month he has cried about it. But on the way to Mom's on Friday he was very quiet. I thought he was sleeping. Then suddenly he says, "Thank you Mom" and I said, "You're welcome. For what?" He was quiet for a minute more and then, with cracking voice, says, "For loving me and taking care of me and giving me food and clothes and all the things that I want to do."

Oh dear God. I almost had to pull over because I couldn't see through the tears. I didn't want HIM to know I was crying... but my goodness! Where does this COME from in an 8 year old boy?

It is frustrating to know that he gets it... that he really gets it. It is evident in that one statement. But most days he acts like he has no clue. I don't understand that.

I love that boy dearly! I pray to God that I can keep my promise that I am not going to die for a long long time. I know it is not MY promise to make... it is God's place to make that decision. I don't claim to be in control of my own destiny. But when my baby boy is sobbing on my shoulder, I cannot and WILL NOT promise any less.

Big BIG hugs to my boy!


LM said...

OH Hell.... Jack is doing the EXACT same thing right now. Something in the water? HUGE hugs to BOTH of you


Ter said...