I have had a lot of time to reflect lately. Too much time, really. I have still not found a job. I kind of enjoy being a stay at home mom... but at the same time I would like to be bringing in a paycheck. I would like to have money in the bank again.
I have always been more of an optimist than a pessimist. Yes, there have been times when the ugly head of pessimism peeks out. But for the most part... the optimist in me takes charge.
So I tend to look for the good in every situation. When Mike's gramma died, I felt the purpose was to bring the grandkids together to heal wounds. Wounds that stung both sides. Wounds that were unintentionally created... by Mike and me. But once we were all together, under one roof, mourning the loss of an amazing woman... those wounds were almost instantly healed. The scars are barely even visible. The reason for her death.
When my dad died it was an awful time for me. I would sit watching my then 5 year old playing and I would realize how much of his life Grampa was going to miss. It was even harder because my dad's grandkids were his LIFE. He was at every hockey game, soccer game, ski show, baseball game... you name it. He was there. Even when it became increasingly difficult for him to move around... he went as much as he could. Then he died. And I was devastated.
Until two months later when I lost Lilly. During surgery I saw Pop come and take the baby from me. At that time we didn't know if the baby was a boy or a girl... but Pop was there and he lovingly took the baby all swaddled in a bright, white blanket from me. The look on his face was of complete contentment... the same look he always had when looking at his grandkids. I felt such a strong sense of peace. The reason for his death.
I have recently been given information regarding a member of my family. And although, I will not post the details here, I would like to ask for prayers for them. It has been, and shall continue to be a difficult time for them. I am looking for the good. Right now I am baffled.. simply because one person has caused another person pain, and it is very out of character for him. So it is difficult to find the good. What is causing him to not act like himself?
I know that I will find the good. But it may take a long time for it to surface.
I am also struggling with the line between being a mom and being a friend. I believe that I have hurt someone's feelings because of a choice that I made dealing with Blake. It is difficult for me to just "blow it off", but at the same time I'm not sure if her feelings are hurt because she didn't say anything to me. So please, pray for me and this friend whom I hold so dear!